Written by Jason McKoy
Just the other day I saw Skyrim sitting in a seedy bar, sipping on a flagon of mead and lamenting some of his past decisions. Then walked in the sexy mistress World of Warcraft, causing the old boy Skyrim to suddenly perk up. World of Warcraft may be longer in the tooth than some of the other patrons of this dive, but make no mistake, she is just as sexy if not sexier than the other floozies. And man, is she’s experienced. She doesn’t walk, she glides. She doesn’t sit at the bar, she hovers by it. She is the only thing thus far to raise Skyrim’s head, sunken in skooma and waning hype. He looks at her and whispers one word: "Wow." The night ends much like it usually does in fantasy scenarios: liquid courage, modern-primitive courting rituals, Skyrim finger-banging WoW in the bathroom, and the two shacking up together, blackout drunk. The next morning, the walk of shame.
Six months later WoW contacts Skyrim with some interesting news. She’s pregnant and he’s the father. Rather than chalk it up as a one night stand and deny his patriarchal role, Skyrim does the noble thing and fathers up, raising the kid as his own. Though one day, he begins to notice that this child doesn't look much like his supposed father. The two have very little in common aside from the mutual enjoyment of action and RPGs, the similarities end there. Skyrim begins to question whether or not this bastard is even his own. In spite of WoW’s protestations, Skyrim demands a paternity test. Knowing of only one surefire way of making absolutely certain that this child possesses his DNA, he does what so many men in this situation have done before him: he turns to the wise sage Maury Povich.
Skyrim discovers that the child he has been raising for all this time, who he trained in character classes, taught the ways of the Dragon, and travailed an arduous open world where danger lurks behind every blade of grass, is not his own. Skyrim discovers WoW has been seeing two other men, Resident Evil and Devil May Cry; wild dudes from Japan that are painfully successful in the East and tremendously popular in the states as well. With mother and father at ends, what does fate hold for the child? We will find out come May 22 when Dragon’s Dogma releases for 360 and PS3. Featuring stylized combat and visuals that only Capcom know how to forge, an exciting combat engine, and an intelligent spin on the typical dungeon crawling AI controlled party, Dragon’s Dogma looks like the child you have always wanted. It will take just as long to nurture and raise, given the tremendous open world and numerous NPCs, all with unique features and personalities. Be prepared to dedicate your (social) life to this baby until either it reaches maturity, or you grow old and it puts you in a home for the rest of your elder years, alone and neglected.
Editor's Note: I still uphold my boycott of Capcom titles until they get their business practices straight, however Jason makes a mean argument. -Ernie