Pucker Your Butt Hole for a Bulletstorm Demo

Their words not mine.

If you're a fan of juvenile shit talking, big guns, blowing off limbs, and style kill combos, tomorrow is gonna be a good day for you. Epic Games and People Can Fly's newest title, Bulletstorm, is about to get all demo on your ass for Xbox 360 and PS3. 

I have a hard time hiding my feelings for Bulletstorm. It looks great, graphically and gameplay wise, but I can't get with the awful voice acting and script written by a 15 year old. I can only tolerate one game making butthole jokes, and that right is already taken. Spending some time actually playing the game might sway my opinion, but I wouldn't bet on it.

Give it a run through tomorrow and let us know what you think. Methinks even if Bulletstorm is sub par, it's going to make money on the Epic Edition alone, which gets you into the Gears of War 3 beta. Now that's a fine plan to raise sales numbers.

Get L.A. Noire on May 14th, Get a New Trailer Now

On May 14th 2011, close to 9 years of development will finally come to fruition. L.A. Noire has a release date now, and it looks like nothing is going to stop Rockstar and Team Bondi from finally bringing their vaporware Lazarus to the teeming masses.

The more I see and hear about L.A. Noire, the less skeptical I become. Actually, maybe skeptical isn't the right word. I still don't know whether or not it'll be my type of game, per se, or even what the gameplay will be. At first, I began to dismiss it because I worried it would be another Grand Theft Auto clone, but that's looking less like the case as more information makes itself available. The emphasis on detective work and reading facial expressions to judge a suspect's story is a fresh, interesting addition, no doubt. So the question has become, will be game be any fun?

L.A. Noire may be steering down the path of Heavy Rain, in the genre that is almost more movie than game. I know a lot of people enjoyed Heavy Rain, but I also know an equal amount downright hated it. Was it too much of a movie for some? Perhaps. Will L.A. Noire see the same outcome? Honestly, it's hard to say. While all the trailers and screenshots have been comprised solely of mouth-watering in-game footage, none have really showed what the meat will consist of. The graphics are obviously of the highest grade, and the story seems like no slouch, but I wonder what the game will play like. 

Gamers have already waited close to a decade, only 4 months more until the big payoff. We'll have more info as it becomes available to us.

Killzone 3 Multiplayer Kills.. In Different Zones

This Killzone 3 multiplayer trailer doesn't need any fancy bells and whistles like post-production or licensed music. No, all we're offered here is Helghast against ISA, wanton destruction. And to be honest, that's really all we need to see. 

Not sure whether the Killzone universe's is the right place for you to spend a few months of busting the hell outta fools? On February 3rd, you'll be able to PSN your way into some hot demo action, where you'll decide whether or not the title is your cup of tea, or if you'd rather keep playing Black Ops.

Forever Finally Comes, in Both Ways I'm sure

Yep, well here it is. After years of waiting and a noticeable lack of strippers, Duke Nukem Forever has a release date -- which we hope is cemented. The trailer released to celebrate this momentous occasion, looks really, really good. A little Halo, and a little Gears of War is a good mix, I think we can all agree.

Oh, the release date? May 11th, 2011. Get yourself ready for Forever.

Four Yakuza March On Your Face

These four dudes have been kicking ass on Japanese consoles for almost a year, and on March 17th, they'll bring the beatdown to North American consoles, and not a moment too soon.

Sega's crime drama series is finally all set for its continuation in the west, and I can't wait. Of course it's a PS3 exclusive, and if you own a PS3 you owe it to yourself to check this series, because it is raw, as you can undoubtedly tell from the above.

And while the action is good, to me the strongest point of the Yakuza series is it's compelling story. Or if you're the open world type, how does karaoke, batting cages, ping pong, fishing, and drinking with glamorous Japanese hostesses? Oh yeah, Yakuza 4 has something for everyone, including an alligator skin shoe to the face.

Brink's Choir of Guns Brings the Ratatatatat

After watching that video, can you honestly tell me you're not excited to get some Brink in your life? Look at how deep that weapon customization gets. Magazine attachment, top attachment, back attachment, bottom attachment; what are you going to use? What shape, size, and color? O, the decisions we face when blowing holes in each other over a network connection.

The unique art style (why the long face?), bevy of customization options, and a first person parkour engine that hopefully won't suck means Brink is one to keep your eyes on, if they haven't already been shot out by the hail of bullets.

An Unfriendly Reminder from Asura's Wrath

You remember Asura's Wrath, the CyberConnect2 helmed God Hand of War that caused me to seek a change of underwear after watching the initial trailer? Oh yes, how could we forget. All has been quiet on that front, with nary a shred of information, screenshot, or trailer since Tokyo Game Show. Until just this week!

Asura is back in a big way, granted not on the scale of our first look at the world of the warring Gods from the east. Where the hell is my Galactic Buddha Finger?! I demand every Asura's Wrath trailer prominently feature it. GBF or not, I'm still loving how this title is looking. Watch Asura's perpetually pissed eye-glow be redirected to different outlets of his unending anger. Sword catch! Face punch! Suplex! The more I see, the more excited I get. It's not obvious is it? 

Hands Off with the Nintendo 3DS: Facts and Opinions

Yesterday, Nintendo was in our stomping grounds of NYC for their big 3DS reveal party, which we were not invited to, despite our polite approaches! So unfortunately, I can't give you any hands on impressions, but I can gloss over the piles of word-work my peers have dedicated to the groundbreaking handheld console, and put a touch of the ol' gangsta on it.

Fact: For a number of months, there was endless speculation on Nintendo's 3DS release date and price point. Staying non-committal seems to have paid off for Nintendo, as it helped to build up the reveal jam. So after all the rumors and guessing, the hardware and information reveal seemed to spur a collective sigh of relief from us. The 3DS will stand in a whopping $250, releasing domestically on February 27th.

Opinion: I suppose the price point is fair, considering the price of new technology these days, especially in the 3D area. When Nintendo debuted last generations DSi two years ago, its $170 price tag rebuffed me for some moderate upgrades to the DS model. A $70 bump for cutting edge tech in a neat little package doesn't seem like much to ask, but it's still worrisome.

Fact: The 3D function is controlled by a slider on the side of the screen. Sliding it all the way down turns 3D off, as you slide it up, it keys different depths of the effect. Different games function at different depths, none of which have any sort of configuration, meaning it's your job to figure out what the proper setting is to get the full effect of 3D. It's being said that with 3D disabled, the angle of viewing on the device is spectacular, but when enabled, you need to be looking at it straight on or else the effect becomes muddled or lost.

Opinion: If games don't start including a configuration utility, you waste precious minutes of play time and battery life trying to configure 3D correctly for each game you play. Drag. Also, while glasses-free, the tech seems to suffer some of the same drawbacks of most glasses-required 3D tech. Watch at the wrong angle, tilt your head a slight, whatever, and there goes the 3D effect. Arms are going to have to be held very still for each gaming session to make sure you don't phase between 3D and looks-like-ass-D. Also, people who used the device for a good chunk of the morning have reported headaches. 

Fact: The 3DS will be available in two different colors, North America - like Japan - will receive aqua blue and cosmo black options. Of course more color options will be released every few months, and possibly different markets around the world receiving different colors.

Opinion: Black is a safe default option these days, but the aqua blue is a bit of a head scratcher. Granted the color is nice, I just can't see any self respecting adult - young or old - playing with a shimmering blue high tech portable. A birdie tells me that red and purple colors will be available in June, with orange and green following in September. A perfect plan for the early adopter to go out and buy a black 3DS at launch, and trade it in for their true desired color when released.

Fact: Everyone's favorite social system is held over from the Wii, friend codes! Thankfully, the dreadful system has been reworked a bit for ease of use. Instead of generating game-specific codes, the 3DS will have one code per system, which never changes. One add and you're done. Praise be! And along the lines of ease, playing multiplayer locally will not require friend codes to get involved at all.

Opinion: Good riddance to the cumbersome and terribly designed Wii friend code system. For $250, I want some ease of use.

Fact: The system will come bundled with a 2GB SD card as expandable memory for Nintendo eShop downloads and such. All downloads from the DSi are able to be transferred and used on the 3DS. In addition, Nintendo is launching a new 3DS Virtual Console marketplace where you can purchase Gameboy, Gameboy Color, and Gameboy Advance titles, some which will even be 3D enabled.

Opinion: For $250, it would've been nice to have a 4GB thrown in, but it's cool. I'm sure the files won't be too large, so stretching the use of the 2GB is totally plausible.

Fact: Also bundled will be a charging cable, which is the same as the DSi charger. The battery will hold a charge for 3-5 hours with 3D enabled, 5-8 without. 

Opinion: No matter how you look at it, 3 hours of charge time is bad. You better keep that charger with you wherever you go, because you'll be out of juice before you know it.

Fact: The 3DS will launch with 12 games out of the gate, with 30 altogether to be released between launch and early June. Bucking the trend of consoles launching with shitty games, the 3DS will have some heavy hitters available on February 27th, assuring fans of all genres are covered. Strong franchises such as Madden NFL, Pro Evolution Soccer 2011 3D, Dead or Alive, Super Street Fighter IV 3D, and Resident Evil: The Mercenaries bolster the 3DS' impressive lineup. Add to that your usual kid-friendly Nintendo titles like Nintendogs + Cats, Pilotwings Resort, and Lego Star Wars III: The Clone Wars, and you have something for everyone.

Opinion: The games may be the consoles true strength at this point. You can't argue with the titles, many of them being well established franchises which made the jump to 3D. There are even more quality titles in the pool of 30 to be available before June, such as Kid Icarus: Uprising, Paper Mario, Animal Crossing, Star Fox 64 3D, and The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time 3D.

Final Thoughts: Similar to the DS and the Wii before, Nintendo in trailblazing in the games industry with a technology that can be considered to be a gimmick. The DS and Wii proved over time that they were any but gimmicks, and now it's the 3DS turn to do the same.

Glasses or not, the 3DS has not changed my opinion on 3D. It sucks. It's needlessly expensive, the immersion is borderline at best, and prolonged use will give you a splitting headache. Who knows, maybe years of use will require LASIK. It has been said that children under the age of 6 should not play the 3DS, so Nintendo has already alienated a nice share of the market. 

While the 3DS has the backing of some strong titles, I feel like it is truly held back by some of its more glaring flaws, such as having to adjust the 3D depth for each game, and the steep price. I'm not an early adopter of new technology and hardware unless it's something very special, which I feel the 3DS is unfortunately not. Will I buy it? Probably, when the second coming works out some of its logistical flaws and drops the price. Until then, I'll play with floor samples at department stores, gaming conventions and friends' copies, and I'll try not to walk away with a headache.

PS. Nintendo, now that the 3D is out of the way, please get started on the REAL next technological advancement: holography. Kthx!

Zone of the Enders Immortalized by way of Revoltech

Does anyone remember Zone of the Enders? Konami and Hideo Kojima's awesome futuristic mech battle game for the PlayStation 2? I hope you say yes, but I wouldn't be surprised if you say no. For a series with such promise, it was dreadfully undermarketed and went underdeveloped, never quite reaching it's full potential. 

As a lover of both video games and action figures, I'm thrilled to discover that Zone of the Enders will be getting the plastic treatment, by way of my favorite line of figures, Kaiyodo's Revoltech line. Revoltech figures have incredible articulation, making just about any pose possible, and come with tons of accessories to assure your Orbital Frame is fully outfitted for any situation. 

The lovely Jehuty figure will be available in Japan starting April 15th, for about 2,850 yen, which is approximately $35 for you importers. If you're an action figure head I'm sure you have your go-to spot for this sort of thing, be it local, or online. If you're new to the world of high-quality plastics and are looking for an easy in, why don't you try Big Bad Toy Store as the release date gets a little closer?

CyberGundam, via Tomopop

Watch the PlayStation Phone be Fondled Aggressively

Sony Ericsson's Xperia PLAY, otherwise known as the PlayStation Phone, has found itself a long way from home -- again. Previously filmed in unromantic locales such as a McDonalds, a factory, and a basement, the PSPhone now finds itself in a parking lot, where a hungry geek slides his long fingers all over her sleek body. Poor PSPhone, she gets no respect!

The device itself is looking quite nice from a purely physical standpoint. The touch screen seems to be a bit unresponsive to the intrusive man's commands at times, and the slide mechanism looks to be incredibly stiff, which could be a good or bad thing, depending on how you look at it. I'm sure it'll loosen up with use, but hopefully not by too much.

The video shows us some key parts of any mobile phone such as micro-USB port, and LED flash, as well as a few mobile gaming specific items like the shoulder buttons. The body is slightly chunky to accommodate the slide out gaming controls, which still look a little bland to me. Let's see the touch pad in action! 

Word is the Sony Ericsson Xperia PLAY, which is starting to be abbreviated to S.E.X. PLAY, will finally have its official introduction at next month's Mobile World Congress. Until then, we'll look forward to seeing it taken on more cheap dates with shady, long-fingered dudes.